


Extreme Risk

by birdlight



Series: The Starting Line [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Post Avengers Endgame - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Falcon and the Winter Soldier
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Captain America Sam Wilson, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Men Crying, POV Bucky Barnes, Protective Bucky Barnes, References to Depression, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, Self-Reflection, Slow Burn, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, natasha romanov - Freeform, sambucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22210282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdlight/pseuds/birdlight
Summary: Sam is not acting like himself and Bucky digs deep to uncover a painful truth.Warning-references to self harm and depression.Part 11 of The Starting Line SeriesA series of one shots exploring the relationship between Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Series: The Starting Line [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491617
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	Extreme Risk

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot is a little longer than normal, but it's a serious topic.

“Are you sure about this?” Bucky asked. It was early, the gym empty except for the two of them. “What about Aaron? This is his job. Ever since he came back…”

"I'm not always going to be going up against people like him. Sometimes, it might be people like you,” Sam said.

"That's why you kept me around, to take care of people...like me,” Bucky said. He didn’t understand why Sam was so insistent about this or why he’d been spending all his spare time in the gym lately. He had already warmed up by running several laps around the inside track this morning and now was ready to spar.

“You might not be around,” Sam said. 

“You’re not getting rid of me this easily,” Bucky said to lighten the mood but Sam’s face stayed serious as he moved his feet, dancing around to prepare for the bout. 

“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Bucky added, resigned to Sam’s insistence. The big empty room was colder than usual this morning and even though he’d done no warm-ups himself, he was already sweating. “I mean, once I get going, it’s easy for me to forget my own strength and I don’t want to…”

“Hurt me? That’s sweet, but I don’t want you holding back. Damn it, Natasha was a little woman and I saw her take down men twice her size…” Sam stopped and halted his pre-fight movements. His eyes went out of focus and Bucky knew he wasn’t staring at the wall behind him. He came back to the present, his face twitched as if it surprised he wasn’t alone. He’d been having these strange moments a lot lately.

“Natasha started when she was a child. She had a lifetime…” Bucky said.

“I want a crash course.”

“Just for the record, I don’t like this, but if you’re determined, let’s try a 360 and see how you do.” Bucky aimed a punch toward Sam’s chest who deflected it away. Sam kept his body in motion and in textbook fashion, keeping his hands open and straight and hitting at oblique angles, even knocking back the metal arm. His partner was a model student. Bucky wasn’t sure what he was trying to prove, so he stepped back from the mock fight.

“We can declare that one a draw,” Bucky said, feeling generous. The bout wasn’t enough for him to break a sweat.

“You were holding back!” Sam accused, still holding his hands in the air, ready to strike again.

“You know I have to hold back, you’ve seen what happens when I don’t.” 

“Pretend I’m Cap,”

“You are Cap!”

“You know what I mean,” Sam insisted.

“If you insist.” Bucky changed his method of attack but instead of hitting harder, Bucky opted to go faster instead, and Sam kept up but it came to a point where Bucky sensed the session was a strain on him so he stopped.

“Come on, man,” Sam said, panting, his body still in a fighting stance. “I’m not done with this!”

“That’s enough for today,” Bucky said. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here, but I’m confident you can take care of yourself.” He turned to walk away but a hard hit on his neck set his muscle memory into action. Sam was trying to collar him. He whirled around and grabbed Sam’s wrist on instinct. He heard the bones cracking beneath his metal fingers. He let go, his mind filled with horror over his actions.

“Damn it, Sam!” Bucky said. “What the hell were you thinking? I told you this was a bad idea! I’m sorry! Did I break it?”

Sam didn’t cry out in pain, but opted to stare down at his injury instead. He looked up after a moment, his eyes returning to that weird unfocused look. His twisting of his wrist forced his hand to hang down at a skewed angle. That had to hurt. The sight of it brought back familiar feelings of remorse.

“Sam, let’s go take care of this,” Bucky put his arm around him guiding him toward the infirmary.

Sam shook Bucky’s arm away. “I’ll handle it,” he said. “And it’s not your fault. I asked for this, remember?” He walked out of the gym, holding onto his arm. Bucky rarely let hurt feelings get the best of him, but now they did. It was bad enough he’d broken his wrist, why wouldn’t he let him make it right? None of this made any sense. Sam had experienced being shot, stabbed, beat up and hurt in far worse ways than this and never reacted this way. Some of their best times was being in the infirmary, either toughing it out or joking around, pretending their injuries were worse than they were. Why push him away?

That evening he took the initiative and knocked on Sam’s door. His friend opened it, his wrist wrapped up and his arm in a sling. The stoic look on his face reminded Bucky of the old old days, back when they barely knew or liked each other.

“What?” he asked.

“If you’re feeling up to it, I thought we could go hang out, wherever you want, do whatever you want, my treat, which is me saying I’m sorry.”

Sam took a deep breath and looked past him. “I don’t blame you for this. I told you, I asked for it, and to be honest, this hurts a little more than normal, so they got me pumped full of painkillers so I probably shouldn’t go out. Some other time.” With that, he shut the door, leaving a stunned Bucky alone on the other side.

There was nothing left to do but return to his quarters. He flopped down on the bed, remembering the times a recently hospitalized Sam welcomed his company, laughing about and talking about the mission and even allowed him to do some chores for him, and now he was shutting him out. He tried not to take it personally and not even the antics of the kittens distracted him. He slept little that night, his mind full of questions.

  
  
  


The next morning, Sharon asked him to meet her for a briefing in the conference room. He expected it to be a pre-mission prep and it bothered him that he might have to go without Sam. To his surprise, Aaron, the team trainer accompanied her. He was an affable young man, tall and handsome. He and Natasha used to work together to keep the non-enhanced members of the team in fighting shape. They asked him to return several weeks ago as the sole trainer of the team.

“First off, about two months from now, we’re going to have some visitors,” Sharon said, taking a seat across the table from him. “Hope Van Dyne, and Scott Lang. They’re going to be working with Aaron.”

“Hope is very competent,” Aaron said sitting down beside her. “She just wants a refresher and Scott is...Scott.”

Bucky smiled to himself at the mention of the well-meaning but sometimes hapless west coast member of the team. Innocent in some ways, but in other ways, invaluable. “That’s good. Be great to see them again.” He took a deep breath and settled back in his chair. “I guess you heard. I’m sorry about Sam…”

“Sam told us what happened. What he didn’t tell us is why. He knows better than to jump you like that. Everyone knows better, so the question is, why did he?” Aaron asked.

“At first, I had the impression it was a competition,” Bucky said. “But he's never been like that before. We agreed early on how our team up would work. He’s the moral center, keeps me honest, so I don’t go too much out of control when I’m beating up the bad guys, and I...do what I do. I don’t think he’d step back from that, but then again, he’s not talking to me much lately.”

“He’s not talking to anyone else either,” Sharon said. “He’s spending most of his time in the gym and the medic told us something disturbing that he decided we should know, and we wanted to ask you about. He has a lot of bruises, cuts and bangs that shouldn’t come from just working out. Its extreme. He came in a week ago with a dislocated shoulder...he was lifting weights without a spotter.”

“I didn’t know that,” Bucky said. He sat back in his chair. The shocking revelation unnerved him, but there was no reason for that. Sam was under no obligation to share everything with him. “He didn’t tell me. I would have been there if he’d asked.”

“We know,” Sharon said. “Has something happened between you, that would make him pull away like that?”

“Not on my end,” Bucky said. “And he’s not the type to hold something back. If something’s wrong, he talks about it, he knows how to deal with it, he’s got the experience, and he hasn’t said a thing. I should have seen something, noticed it, but...I didn’t. I’m sorry.” More guilt piled on top of what he was already feeling. _How could I have missed that?_

Aaron shifted his position slightly. “I was afraid of that. I’ve seen this before. Once, with a young woman I was training, and before I say anything else, I want to say upfront I’m not a doctor. I’m not a counselor, and I could be completely wrong about this. I’m just saying what I’ve seen. This woman was strong, sharp, but it turns out she was over exercising as a form of self harm. She was depressed, and she was hurting herself by over training in order to feel something.”

Bucky sucked in his breath and almost laughed. “You can’t be serious. This is Sam. He’s a counselor. He’s seen it all...he’d… don’t people who self harm cut themselves?”

“Not always. I've learned it can be expressed in many different ways. If this is what this is...we can only speculate why. He may have come up against something that he doesn’t know how to handle,” Sharon said. “I’m not a doctor either, but we need to determine if he needs one.”

“So what do we do?” Bucky asked, still not accepting what he was hearing. Sam was the one person everyone counted on to hold things together. What could be so awful that was going to these extremes to not deal with it? If he fell apart...

“Now that you know what we suspect, we were wondering if you could talk to him, get him to open up. The thing is, if we can’t sort this out, we can’t send him out on missions if he’s emotionally compromised. 

“At least his injury will force him to slow down,” Aaron said. “And it gives us an excuse to keep him home.”

“You can’t stop him from being Captain America! Or keep him home. If you’ve seen this before, why don’t you talk to him?” Bucky directed his question to Aaron. Benching Sam was unthinkable but if he was being reckless, they had to reign him in. 

“He and I don’t have the same relationship like we did before. He barely speaks to me, so I doubt he’ll open up to me the way he would you. We’ll coach you, a little, tell you what to look for, but it’s got to sound like it’s coming from you,” Aaron said. “You’re closer to him than anyone else.”

  
  
  


_You’re closer to him than anyone else. I wish._ Bucky knocked on Sam’s door which wasn’t easy as he balanced the two kittens on his arms. As soon as Sam opened the door, he didn’t wait for an invitation but barged in, the same as he would have before. 

“So how’s the arm?” He asked, depositing the kittens on his recliner. They had been here before and settled down on opposite arms of the chair. 

“It’s healing like it’s supposed to. Look Bucky, I’m really not up to…”

“The kittens know that home base is my place, that’s where the food is, so I’m going to give them a little more freedom of movement around the compound, let then go outside in the courtyard on their own, that is, if it’s okay with everyone else. I’m going to put in a cat flap, and you should too, let them come and visit. They’re half yours…”

“Okay, that’s fine with me, but right now…”

“And they need to get fixed. We’ll go halves on that.” Bucky wandered over to the other side of the room to look out the window. “And we should take a trip. Go visit Wakanda…” he did his best to sound casual.

“What?”

“You’ve been driving yourself really hard lately and you need a break and I’m welcome back there anytime. All work and no play...you need a vacation!”

“I know what you’re doing. You’re feeling bad about what happened and you’re trying to make it up to me. You don’t have to. I’m fine. If you don’t mind, I need to…”

“Sam, tell me what’s going on.” Bucky said, turning around and lowering his voice. 

“What do you mean?” Sam asked. He settled down in the chair. Gem sniffed at his sling.

“This injury is just the latest in a long line of things you’ve been doing to yourself. Over training, over exercising, doing weights without a spotter. I’m not pointing fingers here, I’m here because I care.”

Sam swallowed and clenched his jaws. “So, this your way of telling me the medic talks too much, so I guess that means he and I are going to have words. I don’t know what you’re going about,” Sam said, gently pushing the Gem’s face away with his other hand. “I’m fine. If there was a problem, I’d know it. I just want to stay on top of things… and how I work out is _my_ business,” he said.

“It’s my business, if you’re using me to hurt yourself. That’s the only reason you would have jumped me. You knew what would happen.” Bucky said. He was going off script and despite his inner voice shooting out warnings he had to get that out there. 

Sam responded with a long cold stare. He had gone to far. Sam was going to throw him out of the room again but his friend’s face softened as if hit by a sudden realization.

“I did that,” he said, his voice flat. “I really did that. Used you like that just so I could...feel something.. I can’t seem to get to the place...where I’m supposed to be, in my head. Oh god, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking either.” 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’re in a world of pain about something,” Bucky said. “We’ve been through some weird shit lately, and maybe it’s something all those counseling education seminars you attended didn’t cover because what you’re going through...is a new thing.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sam said reverting to his stone face. “Because I can’t talk about something if I don’t even know what it is.”

“It’s been going on for weeks,” Bucky insisted. “Ever since…” he cast his mind back to pinpoint the period when Sam started to withdraw. “Ever since Aaron came back. Is it him? Did he do something?” A tiny spark of enlightenment ignited within his deep well of memories. All those moments when Sam’s eyes would see past him, gazing at something buried in his mind. “He said you and he don’t talk the way you used too…”

“Aaron’s fine.” Sam said. “He’s just doing his job…”

“Without Natasha. It’s just him. You used to train with both of them, and him being here alone is a reminder she’s gone.” The spark became a spotlight and Bucky started to shake as ideas started to pour into his head.. “This is about Natasha, isn’t it? You haven’t grieved properly...because you couldn’t. To us, the snap, the blip, it was like five seconds. She was there, you turned around and she was gone. Completely gone. Other people, you saw what happened to them, you could grieve, you could say goodbye, but she was…”

“Just so gone,” Sam said, his voice hollow. “Not even a body. Like a mist. Everything about her was gone. The old compound destroyed so there aren’t even any memories left. It’s almost like...she was never here.” The cold phased out Sam returned. 

“But she was. She was your friend, she meant a lot to you, and you to her. She sacrificed herself to bring you back,” Bucky said. He knelt down in front of Sam. “I can’t know exactly what you’re going through, no one can, but I know what it’s like to wake up and find out people who meant a lot to you are just...gone. No warning, no goodbye. They just...disappeared. It’s like the world turned to ash and I was the only one left standing. You didn’t realize what was happening, because it doesn’t feel like normal grief, because it’s not. I know.”

Sam sat back on the chair. Thomasina crawled into his lap but he didn’t appear to notice. “I guess you would,” he said. “I’m supposed to be the counselor here. Where'd you learn all this?” he asked.

“Wakanda,” Bucky offered. “Lots of smart people there.” He relaxed. “And I really don’t know anything, I just sort of guessed, working with some of the things they told me. Do you think that’s what’s happening?” Despite his amateur stumbling around in unknown territory, he must have gotten something right. Sam was returning to the Sam he knew.

Sam said nothing but his eyes reddened and tears started to stream down his cheeks. “There’s nothing left of her,” he said after a moment. “Clint had to leave her...on another damn planet…”

“Come here,” Bucky offered. The kittens jumped down and left the two alone as Sam collapsed into Bucky’s arms, with Bucky taking care not to hurt him. Sam cried quietly, occasionally letting out a shudder. Bucky said nothing until he eventually pulled back.

“I feel stupid,” Sam said, wiping his face. “I should know better than this. I think I wanted to grieve but I couldn’t. It all felt so...empty. I wanted to feel something, anything…and maybe I thought by beating myself up, something would happen, inside. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Bucky said. “Just don’t. You’re a good man, you cared about your friends, and you’re allowed to miss them when they’re gone.” He was conscience his arms were still around Sam, and Sam noticed.

“You’ve learned,” he said. “It didn’t feel like you were going to snap me in two this time.” 

Bucky pulled back and noticed the kittens, oblivious to the emotional scene that had just transpired were happily wrestling on the floor next to them.

“I meant what I said about Wakanda, you need time and it’s the best place in the world to learn to put yourself back together. I know.” Bucky said. Without stopping to think, he reached out to wipe a tear away from Sam’s cheek, then pulled back, embarrassed. Sam said nothing, eyeing him while he leaned back in the chair. “It’s okay for you to let someone help you, for once.”

“I think I will take you up on that. You’re right. I need to heal in more ways than just physically and I should do it away from here. There’s something else there, that might help me,’ he said, his eyes went out of focus as he stared at the wall behind him. Bucky was half afraid he’d gone back to his weird place but his fears were unfounded. Sam snapped back to reality and smiled at him. “I’ll need a few weeks to prepare myself for Scott coming here. He’s a good man, but he invites chaos…”

His face settled into his famous smirk, and Bucky laughed for the first time in days.


End file.
